Are you on a quest for laughter that bites with wit yet doesn’t suck the fun out of the room? Think about the last time a joke really made you chuckle. Now, mix that with the intriguing world of vampires. What do you get?
A coffin-full of vampire jokes that are not just funny but fang-tastically entertaining! These jokes blend the mystique of nocturnal bloodsuckers with everyday humor. Perfect for lightening up a gloomy day or adding a spark to your Halloween party.
Who knew vampires could be this amusing without even trying to be? Let’s dive into a world where humor meets the undead, and giggles are as common as garlic in a vampire’s nightmare. Ready to laugh until you’re coffin?
Funny Vampire Jokes
Why don’t vampires trust banks? They only deal in blood money.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? Necktarines!
How do vampires keep their breath fresh? With extra-fangcy toothpaste.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite meal? A steak dinner.
Why did the vampire read the newspaper? He heard it had great circulation.
What do vampires take when they are sick? Coffin drops.
How do vampires start their letters? “Fang you for your attention…”
What’s a vampire’s favorite dance? The Fang-Dango.
Why did the vampire become a chef? He had a taste for cooking rare steaks.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor? Vein-illa.
How do vampires like their coffee? De-coffin-ated.
Why don’t vampires use silverware? They prefer to bite into things.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog? A bloodhound!
Why did the vampire fail art class? He couldn’t draw blood.
What do you call a vampire in a snowstorm? A frostbite.
How do vampires get around on Halloween? On bloodmobiles.
What kind of boat do vampires travel in? Blood vessels.
Why did the vampire join the police? He wanted to work the graveyard shift.
What’s a vampire’s favorite candy? Neck-o wafers.
Why don’t vampires have many friends? They are a pain in the neck.
How do vampires like their stakes? Rare, very rare.
What do you call a vampire with a cold? A coffin.
Why did the vampire go to the doctor? He was coffin too much.
What’s a vampire’s favorite shampoo? Head and Shoulders, for that flake-free coffin.
Why was the vampire a good actor? He had a knack for biting roles.
What do you call a vampire 200 years old? A baby fangster.
How do vampires keep their homes clean? With a victim cleaner.
What’s a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation? A blood bike.
Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She wasn’t his blood type.
What do you call a vampire in the kitchen? Count Spatula.
How do vampires like their eggs? Terror-fried.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
Why don’t vampires play baseball? They lost their bats.
What do you call a vampire who loves to cook? A blood chef.
Why did the vampire subscribe to a streaming service? For the bite-sized shows.
What do vampires say after a meal? Fangs for the memories.
How do vampires sign off their emails? Best witches, Vlad.
What’s a vampire’s favorite street? A dead end.
Why did the vampire become a poet? He had a way with cryptic words.
What do vampires do for fun? They go clubbing in the bat cave.
Vampire Jokes One Liners
Vampires don’t age, but their jokes are timeless.
I know a vampire who’s a terrible liar; you can see right through him.
Vampires don’t do dishes; they fear the stake plates.
“I’m a vampire,” said Tom, in vein.
Vampires are great at baseball; they always bat a thousand.
A vampire’s favorite fruit? Necktarine!
Vampires don’t get brain freeze; they have cold hearts.
Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.
Vampires don’t play hide and seek; they play hide and shriek.
A vampire’s diet? Anything but garlic bread.
Vampires don’t tell jokes; they just bite the punchline.
Why are vampires bad at self-reflection? No mirrors.
Vampires don’t use elevators; they prefer the scare-case.
A vampire’s favorite exercise? The dead lift.
Vampires don’t do math; they count Dracula.
Why don’t vampires have hobbies? They’re too busy necking.
Vampires don’t play cards; they fear the heart suit.
A vampire’s favorite weather? Fangy and mist.
Vampires don’t watch TV; they stream blood.
Why do vampires stay indoors? They’re not a fan of the stake-out.
Vampires don’t eat fast food; they prefer a quick bite.
A vampire’s favorite cleaning tool? The dust buster.
Vampires don’t make good chefs; they can’t stand the garlic.
Why are vampires so fit? They’re always running from the sun.
Vampires don’t play music; they just wing it.
A vampire’s favorite drink? A blood light.
Vampires don’t tell secrets; they fear the leak.
Why don’t vampires use spices? They’re afraid of the stake.
Vampires don’t go to the beach; they can’t handle the tan lines.
A vampire’s favorite game? Bite and seek.
Vampire Jokes For Adults
Vampires don’t use dating apps; they prefer neck-working events.
A vampire’s favorite pickup line? “Mind if I take a bite?”
Why are vampires bad at secrets? They tend to spill the blood.
Vampires don’t do well in relationships; they’re too bitey.
A vampire’s love life? It’s always love at first bite.
Why don’t vampires gamble? Too afraid of the stakes.
Vampires don’t watch romantic movies; they prefer neck-flix.
A vampire’s favorite bar game? Suck and blow.
Why are vampires great lovers? They know all the neck-tics.
Vampires don’t do blind dates; they prefer love at first bite.
Why don’t vampires use condoms? They prefer raw bites.
A vampire’s favorite dating advice? Keep your options open and your necks closer.
Vampires don’t do therapy; they just vent their fangs.
Why are vampires bad at breakups? They always come back for one last bite.
A vampire’s favorite bedroom line? “Let’s have a bloody good time.”
Vampires don’t do one-night stands; they prefer eternal bonds.
Why don’t vampires get married? They can’t stand holy matrimony.
A vampire’s idea of foreplay? A little necking.
Why do vampires avoid strip clubs? Too much stake exposure.
Vampires don’t have affairs; they have feeding frenzies.
A vampire’s favorite sexual position? The bat hang.
Why are vampires great in bed? They always find the jugular.
Vampires don’t do sexting; they prefer neck-ting.
A vampire’s favorite dirty talk? “You look vein-tastic tonight.”
Why don’t vampires use pickup lines? They prefer to swoop in.
Vampires don’t have exes; they have blood donors.
A vampire’s favorite kink? A little bite and tease.
Why do vampires hate one-night stands? They prefer long-term feeding.
Vampires don’t flirt; they just bare their fangs.
A vampire’s idea of a hot date? A night in the crypt
Vampire Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana suck your blood!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Fang.
Fang who?
Fangs for letting me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Vlad.
Vlad who?
Vlad to meet you, I’m your new neighbor!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Batty.
Batty who?
Batty about Halloween, aren’t you?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Count.
Count who?
Count on me to be at your Halloween party!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Drac.
Drac who?
Drac-ula, open the door already!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Coffin.
Coffin who?
Coffin up some candy for me?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Blood.
Blood who?
Blood you open the door, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Bite.
Bite who?
Bite me, it’s a vampire joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Neck.
Neck who?
Neck time, open the door faster!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Garlic.
Garlic who?
Garlic away, I’m a vampire!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Transylvania.
Transylvania who?
Transylvania traveler, can I rest here?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Vamp.
Vamp who?
Vamp up the party, I’m here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nosferatu.
Nosferatu who?
Nosferatu much about vampires, do you?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Bat.
Bat who?
Bat-ter let me in, it’s spooky out!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Vein.
Vein who?
Vein-illa ice cream, my favorite!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cape.
Cape who?
Cape it down, I’m trying to sleep!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tomb.
Tomb who?
Tomb many vampire jokes, perhaps?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Crypt.
Crypt who?
Crypt up on you, didn’t I?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Stakes.
Stakes who?
Stakes are high, let me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Moon.
Moon who?
Moonlight becomes you, especially as a vampire.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Shadow.
Shadow who?
Shadow doubt, I’m the best vampire around!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Night.
Night who?
Night time is my time!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Fangtastic.
Fangtastic who?
Fangtastic to see you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Immortal.
Immortal who?
Immortal than meets the eye!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Undead.
Undead who?
Undead serious about these jokes!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don’t let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Twilight.
Twilight who?
Twilight be over soon, let’s party!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sucker.
Sucker who?
Sucker for vampire jokes, aren’t you?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Eternal.
Eternal who?
Eternal night is perfect for jokes!
Vampire Garlic Jokes
Why did the vampire refuse the garlic bread? He didn’t want bad breath for eternity.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite section in the grocery store? The garlic aisle.
Why don’t vampires cook with garlic? They can’t stand the stink of their own cooking.
What do you call a vampire with garlic allergy? A total outcast at vampire parties.
Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She had a garlicky kiss.
How do vampires keep their kitchen clean? No garlic allowed.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite pizza? Garlic supreme.
Why was the vampire a bad chef? He couldn’t handle the garlic.
What do vampires use instead of garlic? Fang-flavored seasoning.
Why don’t vampires eat Italian food? Too much garlic in the sauce.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite game? Garlic roulette.
Why did the vampire avoid the Italian restaurant? The garlic bread was a deal-breaker.
How do vampires spice up their food? Anything but garlic.
What’s a vampire’s worst kitchen nightmare? A garlic press.
Why did the vampire refuse the garlic dip? He wanted to live forever.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite herb? You guessed it, garlic.
Why don’t vampires like gardening? They might plant garlic by mistake.
What do vampires fear more than sunlight? A garlic farm.
Why did the vampire stay away from the BBQ? The garlic marinade.
How do you repel a vampire? Just breathe garlic on them.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite part of a salad? The garlic croutons.
Why don’t vampires visit Italy? Too much garlic in the air.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite book? “101 Garlic Recipes.”
Why did the vampire refuse to kiss his wife? She ate garlic pasta.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite toothpaste? Garlic mint.
Why don’t vampires like fast food? The garlic sauce is a turn-off.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite holiday? National Garlic Day.
Why did the vampire avoid the farmer’s market? The garlic stand.
How do you keep a vampire from bothering you? Eat garlic bread daily.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite movie? “Garlic: The Untold Story.”
Vampire Diaries Jokes
Why don’t the Salvatores play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding from a vampire.
What’s Damon’s favorite game? It’s always a tie between ‘Compel’ and ‘Conquer’.
Why did Stefan join the swim team? He heard they were doing the vampire stroke.
How does Elena choose her boyfriends? Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a vampire by the toe!
What’s Bonnie’s favorite subject? Spelling, of course.
Why don’t vampires in Mystic Falls use smartphones? They prefer to compel in person.
What’s Caroline’s favorite song? “Fangs for the Memories.”
Why did the vampire flunk out of art school? He could only draw blood.
How does Damon make his coffee? Dark, strong, and compelling.
Why did Stefan go to the dentist? To improve his bite.
What’s Elena’s favorite type of music? Anything but organ.
Why don’t Mystic Falls vampires use umbrellas? They prefer to get soaked in drama.
What’s Klaus’ favorite hobby? Hybrid gardening.
How do vampires in Mystic Falls text? With lots of BITEmojis.
Why did Damon join the choir? He heard they needed more altos and tenor necks.
What’s Stefan’s favorite type of cheese? Mozzarell-ahh!
Why don’t vampires in Mystic Falls play poker? Too many jokers in the deck.
How does Caroline keep her diary? In a blood-bound book.
Why did the vampire write a diary? He wanted to remember his bite-sized adventures.
What’s Damon’s favorite drink? Anything but a Bloody Mary.
Why did the vampire go to the library? To check out the blood-thirsty section.
How do Mystic Falls vampires stay fit? By running from their problems.
What’s Elena’s favorite fruit? Necktarines.
Why did the vampire fail history? He kept rewriting it.
What’s Stefan’s favorite type of coffee? Decoffinated.
Why don’t Mystic Falls vampires watch TV? Too much reality, not enough fantasy.
How do vampires in Mystic Falls do their laundry? In the spin cycle, for extra drama.
What’s Damon’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
Why did the vampire go to the movies? To see the latest bloodbuster.
How do Mystic Falls vampires keep secrets? In a crypt-ic diary.
